The Chameleon and the Dragonfly

Anyone who knows me and knows my husband, knows that we have been each other's mainstay for the better part of 11 years now. We have been joined at the hip for all that time and neither one of us saw the need to have much outside of each other. That has now changed. For me at least.

After a year of living apart, of me attending Basic Training, AIT and then living in Seoul at my first duty station for 4 months or so before David joining me - we are now having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the changes in each other. Or the lack of them. It is taking some time to get back the easy communication we experienced before.

I know I am a different person now. I am not the chameleon that I once was - I do not conform myself to my significant other anymore. I have become my own person. Strong willed (I have always been thus - but now even more so because I know more about myself), optimistic (I was incredibly cynical before), at peace inside (I carried around a lot of anger inside for most of my life), and out-going (I had let David make me a homebody and hermit like person over the years.) I like who I am now. It frustrates me that the changes I have made are not all satisfactory to my man.

And while my man believes he has not changed, he has. He has become more controlling over the past year. I think being in charge of the house has given him plenty of time to learn what he likes and doesn't like. He is more adamant about running things the way he wants to. He is less accommodating. And while this is not an earth shattering change, it is still an adjustment. He seems more clingy to me now, but I think that this may be a matter of perception. I now enjoy my alone time and I enjoy the lack of responsibility that comes with only looking after myself and my own happiness. I spend a lot more time "in my own head." This makes this clinging sometimes feel smothering. But it is something we can work on together.

I think this is equivalent to the turmoil that happens to a marriage when the kids move out. The time has come to work hard to embrace the changes in each other and to allow each other to grow - together and apart. We need to be able to stand strong on our own and then we will be all the more strong together. But it is hard. And scary. And it makes me feel guilty - and that is the bad part. I don't want to feel guilty for being me, especially when I like who I am now. For the first time I am content with who I am.

I want to be me and have my best friend too. But I don't want to give up who I am, become that chameleon once again to make life easier - because in the long run, it won't be easier.

The chameleon is gone and the dragonfly has taken its place.