Two Successful Enlistments...Time for Life to Continue

Well, it's over. Five and a half years in service to the American people. It was truly life changing. I have gained friends, lost friends; gained family, lost family; gained experience, lost many fears; mostly, I have learned to accept myself for who I am and learned never to settle for less.

I am still working with Soldiers as I pursue my graduate degree, back in the same assignment I had when I first joined the Army, Trial Defense Service Paralegal. I like it a lot. I like helping Soldiers.
My graduate program is Transpersonal Psychology; a "wholistic" view of people; physical, mental, spiritual...it's also creative and innovative.

I am living with a wonderful, good, and kind man. We accept each other as we are, warts and all. We don't try to change our likes and dislikes to accommodate the other, or try to get the other to change into something they're not. This is easy since we both love the same things, our brains work the same way, and, well, it's a different kind of love than I have ever experienced. I think I have moved through my life, married and adapted myself in an effort to experience "true love," all in order to reach this point. I realize now that in order to love another completely, I must first love myself completely. It has been a heartbreaking path to enlightenment but worth every minute because, finally, I understand intimacy.

The Army has helped me grow a backbone, accept myself, realize my worth, and not settle for less than I deserve. It also helped me to articulate that I will never like wearing pastel colors, that I will never "act my age," and that being a tomboy is an exceptional way to realize my own "bad-assery."

As I continue serving Soldiers and finishing my degree, I am searching for the exact right fit for a future of service; whether that's a therapeutic facility, a sweet cafe, a bed and breakfast, I really don't know yet. I am sure that it will all play out the way it's supposed to and I will attack my next adventure with the same intensity and commitment that I did as a Soldier in the Army.

Now, if only I could maintain the svelte and fit side of me that the Army helped me find after all those years...my waistline would appreciate it and so would my bank account. New wardrobes are so pricey these days!

It would help, too, if my man wasn't a culinary genius. Did I say I love food?

And the Army Taketh Away..

I am sitting here in an almost empty villa.

All my household goods are gone and tomorrow the rest of my things will be taken or I will be taking them with me when I head to the Dragon Hill Lodge.

I cannot believe it has been three years now. Seoul, South Korea has become like a second home to me and there are many things that I will miss. Saying goodbye to friends I have made here is just as hard as saying goodbye to my battles when they have gone to their next duty stations. There is no language barrier among friends here in Seoul. A hug and a smile conveys great feeling and you would be surprised how much charades can get across to someone. I could soon be a pro at that game!

I have to admit that I thought this day would never come. I truly thought I would die here in Korea, my tour seemed never ending and towards the end it was nonstop work work and more work. There was no time to count the hours or the days. The end has come up fast and I find myself mourning over the things I put off doing for so long and now will not have the chance to do. I guess that just means that someday I will have to come back here and complete the things I missed.

I am off to Fort Huachuca, Arizona. I am excited over going back stateside, seeing family and friends, being able to read the road signs, drive a car faster than 60 km, and kiss the ground of the great ol' US of A. Many opportunities to grow my career are going to be happening now. Things that I had to put off due to the mission needing to be accomplished I can now concentrate on. I am looking forward to that and some really good gym PT!

I have lots of things I wish I could change about the last three years. Different decisions, different expectations for myself, and the like. But that is all over now and I cannot go back. I cannot change what has been and can now only look to the future with hope and high expectations. Life is like that I think, no matter where you go or what you do. You must have goals. You must be open to change. Otherwise, life leaves you in the dust and before you know it everyone has passed you up. Nothing stops growth. It is only our choices that decide where and how we do it.

Well, still lots to do and not enough time to do it in...take care all you faithful friends and mentors. Blessings to you all and pray that I do better blogging in Arizona than I did in Korea!

The Army Giveth...

The Army has changed my life. This seems like a normal thing to have happen when such a change in lifestyle is required, but I have to admit that I did not expect it to have so much of an impact on me, and those close to me.

I remember when I first decided to join. There were so many things I had to accomplish before taking the oath and signing on the line (okay, there were MANY lines) of a contract with the American people. Yes, it is a contract. With Americans. A contract that says that I will do everything in my power to protect the freedoms that they have become accustomed to in the great country we were lucky enough to live in, even to the point of death.

The first steps were emotional ones, introspective ones. Can I do this? At 40? Can I survive Basic Training? If I do survive, can I live with someone telling me how to live every minute of my day and sometimes my night? Can I wrap my head around all these requirements to fulfill my duties?

The answers started coming when I changed my eating habits, joined some kickboxing classes, boxing classes, and started all the physical aspects of preparing for training. My body adjusted as I grew more fit and my mind grew more clear as the time moved on and I got closer to my "ship" date. My body and mind became determined, focused, and my self confidence improved.

After graduating from Basic Training, I realized that the self confidence I thought I had before didn't even compare to the woman I had now become. My friends saw the difference and told me that the Army was the best thing that had happened to me emotionally. And the body I got wasn't so bad either. It felt good to feel and look better than I had since I was a young woman. Everything I was able to accomplish made me realize that there was nothing that I couldn't do. When I thought I just couldn't take one more step, I found that, yes, I really could.

I had gained self respect as well. I spent a lot of time in my own head. Hours of rucking, standing in formation, endless hours of no talking; all contributed to a new self awareness. Every time I accomplished something, even physically, it took an emotional leap, a respect for myself and my abilities. Abilities I might not yet know I had.

That self confidence and self respect led to a new contentment with the person I was becoming. The anger that I had always held close dissipated. My priorities shifted and I took on the task of being a Soldier. As I learned my warrior tasks and drills, I found that the importance of what I do overshadows all the bullshit that accompanies any corporate type job and any feelings of boredom are quickly displaced with more training. There is always training!

I have been given so much by assuming my role in history as a Soldier. It isn't always ideal and there are issues I still deal with by being an older woman in the military full of the young and inexperienced, but overall, I have to say I have gotten far more out of the Army than I have been able to give in return.

So far. I plan on giving for a while yet.

Is It Over? Already? Again?

Well, it's that time again. You know. When New Year Resolutions are made and the future looks bright with hopes and dreams. I could make all kinds of resolutions, but I imagine it will go the way of last year. My motivation will last for a few weeks and then the daily grind of life will kick me in the teeth a few times, I will learn my lesson, and then return to the same old me. Full of good intentions and dreams...

I do have to say that, unless there is money involved, I can pretty much make my dreams come true. IF I want them bad enough. When there is money involved, I usually resort to wishing I could win the lottery... which I never play... This year though, I will keep my dreams and resolutions simple and reachable.

I have some career goals... to be the best little Army Court Reporter I can be, to go to the promotion board and get picked up for Sergeant. To put my packet in for an Army scholarship to get my Master's Degree in Art Therapy, then direct commission as an Army officer. (Don't get me wrong, I like being a court reporter, but my passion is people...)

I also want to be sure my Mom has a permanent place. One that cannot be taken from her. She alone has given her full support and unconditional love to me since the day I was born. I want to be there for her and I want to live close to love on her for a long time.

I want to continue to make a difference in the lives of people I meet every day. I want to be a force for good. Wait... I was going to keep it simple... that isn't always simple... and sometimes, regardless of my best intentions, it isn't always reachable. However, there must be some kudos for effort... no matter what, I will, once again, start the year out with a positive attitude...

Oh, and maybe, just maybe, I will get this blogging thing back on my to-do list... I hope I can find enough to say! :p

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Determination Rules the Day

Well, it has been one full week in Court Reporter Class here at the JAG School in Charlottesville, Virginia. The University of Virginia Campus is beautiful and the Residence Inn where I am staying is quite nice. All is well. So far.

I have managed to pass the first two exams and took the third one today. Today's exam was longer and harder than the other two and I lost track of time. I completed it, but barely! Most of the time I am the first one done but this time I was one of the last two! Craziness!

The only thing that worries me is the tape test that I will inevitably have to do when I am over my max weight. The PT test itself should be fine - I have some time to get my push ups and my run "up to speed." The sit ups have not been a problem for me before, so I don't anticipate them being a problem now. If only I could trade push ups and sit ups with one of the guys in my class - what a great PT test that would be! UGH!! This stresses me more than anything else - I want to just get myself down below my max weight. You wouldn't think that would be hard, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to lose any weight at all, no matter what diet and exercise program I follow. :(

Despite this, I am actually having a good time in class. Our instructors have been both informative and fun. The area I am in is wonderful and has all kinds of things I never knew I missed. There is a Chick-Fil-A here that my hubby wants a milkshake from - not quite sure how to send that to Korea... There is a Waffle House for my hangover from the partying I am going to do after I pass that damn PT test and Tape... There are all kinds of places to find clothes for my leave after I graduate... (I need shorts.) I am sure there is a Jazz Bar somewhere here I can go to in order to chill after a long week of learning... and I cannot wait to go horseback riding in the Shenandoah State Park. I am sure that will be the highlight of my stay here in the great State of Virginia (sorry JAG School.)

I am loving the opportunities that the Army is giving me. There are always days when I want my old, unaccountable life back, but really, I have to ask myself if my life would truly be better out of the Army. I don't think so. I hope the Army will keep me around a while.

There are major changes in the military these days. We are weeding out the too old and too weak and the unwilling. I hope to not be considered as any one of these. I am steadily taking care of all the things that would hold me back from being the capable, strong and determined soldier that the Army wants and needs. I hope my chain of command sees the effort and guides me with the best of their ability. And where they will surely let me down, I am resolved to reach deep and pull that guidance from within.

I will not let someone else decide whether I succeed or not.

Army Strong HOOAH!

Singing with the Radio

For over a year now I have been saying that there is nothing about the states that I miss other than family and friends...

I flew into San Francisco from Incheon, South Korea on Saturday, the 23rd of July. Customs was fairly simple and didn't take too long, however, I highly recommend giving yourself a two hour window for connections or you might end up running to your next gate with your shoes in your hand. Once I arrived at Washington-Dulles it was just a matter of getting my bags and shuttling to Budget to rent my car. I drove a few minutes south and stayed at a Marriott in Westfields. Gorgeous place. It was night and I was exhausted and I hadn't thought much about being back home.

On Sunday, I slept in, ordered room service and then left the hotel rested and refreshed. I was given a Toyota Corolla to drive and after driving my little Hoopty in Korea, I must say it was a really nice change of pace. I don't think I have driven over 40 miles per hour since I left home over a year ago and to be able to drive over 60 again was such a great feeling. Not to mention that the roads seemed wide enough for two and there were no pedestrians! As I was driving and listening to stations that were NOT AFN, and enjoying the wide roads, I realized that I had missed it here. Immensely!

I passed farms and farmer's markets, recognizable store signs, traffic signs I could read, and mountains that rose in the distance. There were houses large and small, and businesses large and small, and just an amazing openness of space. I had lived in wall to wall buildings and with wall to wall people for so long that I had forgotten how it felt to live and drive in wide open spaces.

As I sang along with the radio I realized that while I really enjoyed living in Seoul, and experiencing another culture, nothing will ever replace my country. This way of life that is so good. It gives me a new found pride in my home, in my country - something to fight for. And that feels good.

I have missed my America.

The Adventure Can Wait a Day or Two... or Seven.

I love the Army. I love being in the Army. But there are some things that make being in the Army a real pain in the ass. Like feeling unwell for instance. I could boil the whole scenario down to two words; no compassion.

I think there is some kind of pressure to think that since we are soldiers, we must not give into sickness; we must push through the pain and keep on keeping on. That is all well and good, but quite frankly, there are days in the military when I would prefer to just have the job, and not the adventure. Truly.

The process goes like this... you wake up ill, or maybe you have spent the whole night in the ER and you just cannot get yourself up and moving in the morning for physical training. Maybe you are too terrified to venture more than 15 feet from the bathroom, but get up you must. And this is why.

You have to go to sick call for a slip that says you can stay home. Seriously.

It doesn't matter that you are dumping the contents of your stomach every 5 minutes, or that you are delirious with fever. You must get yourself to sick call. And why? Paperwork.

Case in point. Recently I had to have surgery. Granted it was outpatient and not very intrusive, but I had surgery nonetheless and I was in a bit of discomfort. Although the drugs helped with that, I really just wanted to stay home and sleep. No can do! Since my doctor had generously granted me convalescent leave instead of just quarters, I had to fill out a leave form and submit it to my supervisor. Now you would think that under the circumstances I could print out the form and fill it out, sign it and scan it, then email it to my supervisor for my records, right from the comfort of my own home. But no. I had to go into the office, the day after surgery and fill it out on my office computer so it had a digital signature. Really?

Now let me just interject something about my supervisor here. It wasn't her that was insisting on the digital signature but her supervisor... I need to say that MY NCO is amazing. She is a new Sergeant and she makes her soldiers needs a priority. She was going to bring to my house something that would allow me to do all this from home, but I could not see adding even more to her already long week of work. I wanted her to look good without all the added trouble. So I went to the office. I would take a bullet for her, and I would follow her wherever she needed me. Her supervisor, on the other hand, is on her own.

Anyway, yesterday, I woke up ill. Nausea and cold sweats alternated with stomach cramps and an intense fatigue. It sucked. But I dragged my weary self to work anyway because I HATE sick call.

Needless to say, I made it through the day and actually started feeling better by the end of it. But man, it was one of those times when I longed for a civilian job and a less accountable life style. The adventure could have waited another day...

No. You Don't Have My Permission...

...To make me feel inferior because you are consumed with your own importance.

...To belittle and demean other soldiers in front of me.

...To use your rank as an excuse to exercise power over my mind and body.

...To express thoughts and make comments like you know me, when you clearly do not.

...To threaten me.

...To judge me based on office gossip.

...To decide my future based on your personal feelings about me instead of my performance in my job.

...To lead me astray from Army Values because you see no need to cultivate those qualities in yourself.

...To think I can't shoot because I am a "girl."

On the other hand, you DO have my permission...

...To get help deflating your head so as to get through the office door.

...To counsel soldiers in the way they should go respectfully and with your own good example.

...To use your rank to aid me when I need help and boost my confidence to lead others.

...To get to know me as a person and as a soldier, in a group... when I am not armed.

...To help me practice my Combatives training, again in a group, when I am not armed.

...To stop office gossip by shutting your own mouth.

...To give me the tools I need to decide my future plans and assist me in starting that process.

...To cultivate the Army Values that you have strayed from so heinously.

and

...To stand in as a target so I can practice not shooting "like a girl."

A Craving for Inspiration

I want to thank Kim over at Cravings of a Lunatic for awarding me a shout out and adding me to her list of "readables." I have never seen myself as much of an inspiration and still find it amazing that anyone would be at all interested in what I have to say. For the past year I have managed to say so little and now that I have been recommended, I feel a bit more pressure to produce! Thank you Kim! You were just what I needed to get me blogging regularly again. I must say, however, that I would rather read about food and try your amazing recipes than read about the day of an Army soldier which, truth be told, can be kind of tedious.

I started this blog to help my husband more efficiently inform family and friends of what was happening during my Army Basic Training, and also update them on addresses to write too, etc. I never expected it to be inspiring - I mean, really, who gets inspired by the daily grind of Basic Training! I have enjoyed it though and I love hearing how it has inspired others to take up the cross of the American Soldier; to try things they never thought they would, or could; to pursue their own dreams no matter how old they were. These things are what keep me going now. While I will be very honest about life in the Army; and let's face it, these days the life of an American Soldier can be trying at best, and down right hell at its worst; I have to say that I still manage to see the silver lining in almost all situations. I mean, really... who wants to hear a soldier whine?

As part of this award I am to tell you 7 things about myself. Yes, SEVEN.

1. I am a Gypsy. Truly. I believe that my father's family tree has them, and if it does not it is missing branches. We traveled across the United States 4 times and I have been to all but 3 states, which are Oregon, Washington and Alaska. I have lived in 9 states, the longest being Georgia. See? A Gypsy.

2. I am certified in 2 therapy programs for those who suffer from Alzheimer's Disease. One is Memories in the Making, an art therapy program and the other is Timeslips, a storytelling therapy. I don't know why I feel called to this but I do. I plan on using them to help soldiers.

3. I want a horse. Someday I am going to have one. I want to ride across the United States as a fundraiser for wounded soldiers.

4. I love to try new foods. Even crazy kinds of foods... but I cannot bring myself to try the silkworm larvae that they boil here in Korea... it's just too much. I could see myself as a world traveler trying foods all over the globe. That would be an amazing adventure.

5. I am Level 1 Certified in Art Clay Silver and make whimsical jewelry for friends and family. I don't sell much but when I do it pays for itself. I am also Level 1 Certified in Combatives. I am now able to take down the uneducated... somehow I don't think these are remotely related.

6. I love all things art - I draw, paint, sculpt, do lithography, prints, and write... occasionally.

7. I am a tomboy and a weapons junkie. I don't have to know all the specs to the weapons - just that I can use them and hit what I am aiming at.

I don't follow a lot of blogs, unfortunately, I just don't have the time to devote to it. But I will list the ones that I do. Follow them at your own risk.

First and foremost is my husband's blog - The Worst Boy Scout Ever - I wish he would write more. He really is a funny guy. Maybe you all can convince him to write since he won't listen to me.

I would like to list my son's blog here but he hasn't updated his in ages... he comes by it honestly.

You must check out the blog of the superwoman who gave me this award - Cravings of a Lunatic. How can I best say this? Yummy. If I lived near this woman I would now be approaching 300 lbs.

The woman who knows all things Art Clay and who is the best teacher of it in the world - really - has a blog called Here There Be Dragons. She doesn't write often but when she does it is great! Scroll down to the bottom and you can access her gallery as well as the blog of her sister Eva Moon. So very worth a visit, or two or fifty...

My dear friend Shay Fabbro has several sites. She is an author and has self-published. Excellent reads - both The Chosen and Dangerous Reflections. I am proud to say that I knew and loved her before she got to be a rich and famous author. She is a very entertaining writer and a scientist to boot! Follow her at The Immortal Words of Dr. Fab and The Adventures of Alexis Davenport

Fearlessly Feminine is another blog I love. This amazing woman was with me during my Army training at Fort Jackson as a Paralegal Specialist. Every Friday we had the coffeehouse to go to to unwind from the week of madness that is mass training. Andrea also turned me on to the best kept secret at Fort Jackson - Victory Ranch sponsored by Cadence Ministries and run by a dear couple, Ron and Pam Weinzapfel. Andrea, Ron and Pam have hones the art of loving on soldiers. Something that is desperately needed during training.

I don't know if I found this blog through a friend or a search... can't remember, but I love her way with words. You can find Karen at karenjonesgowen and Coming Down the Mountain: A Writer's Blog

So, now I have to let these people know I have named them... the pressure builds!

Official Rules of the Award

1) Thank the award-giver(s) and link back to them in your post.
2) Tell your readers seven (7) things about yourself.
3) Give this award to up to fifteen (15) recently discovered bloggers.
4) Contact those bloggers and let them in on the exciting news.

Fear Be Gone!

So I lived through Army Level 1 Combatives training. I am now certified. Next stop - the Promotion Board. It looks to me that while in the Army, there will be no end to the things that will inspire fear in me and give my quickly developing ulcer more fodder. Yay. With the changes in the way the Promotion points are counted I am not sure I have enough to be promoted anyway - that kind of takes the pressure off a bit. And like my NCO says, "just give me 20 minutes." I think I can handle that.

I realize that personal growth cannot happen without getting out of my comfort zone and I also realize that I haven't seen that zone in quite some time now. I am not sure I would know what to do if I found myself in it again. Would I slowly get sucked into a recliner black hole and endless supply of salt and vinegar chips? Probably.

Although when I do imagine the scene, it has several powerful weapons in it. I just cannot see myself without Black Betty. Even now, when she is safely stored in the Armory, I imagine her propped in front of me, pop up targets waiting to be obliterated.

Fear be gone!

Don Your Boots!

Fear. It seems to me that I have always been afraid.

Fear of failing followed me all throughout my school years, until high school anyway, where my fear of being a goody two shoes far outweighed my fear of bad grades.

Fear of being alone made me go boyfriend to boyfriend, husband to husband. Until now of course. I have been completely unafraid of being alone for twelve years now... it has since been replaced with the fear of NEVER being alone! (Just kidding David - Love you Honey!)

Fear of never being good enough followed me throughout the growth of four amazing, but oftentimes completely frustrating, children I call my own. This fear was validated on a daily basis when I was told quite plainly by them that I was not ever going to be good enough.

Fear of being physically maimed. This is a big one. The thought of it paralyzes me at times.

Fear. I hate it and I loathe it at the same time that I love it. Fear gives me an excuse to NOT do something. That being said: I have never let fear keep me from doing what I REALLY wanted to do, or what I felt I HAD to do.

I donned my boots! Pulled myself up by my bootstraps!

I learned in Army Basic Training that while we may feel fear, fear does not have to control us. It can't, or how would we get any soldiering done at all? It is when we allow the fear to take control and stop us from doing things, that we lose completely.

During the Confidence Courses there at Ft Jackson, SC, I developed a paralyzing fear of a log that I had to cross to get to the zip line that I REALLY wanted to do! It slowly crept up on me while watching another battle buddy struggle with it. I had been fully confident before that, even though it was twenty feet off the ground! It took me forever to get across that thing - but get across I did. I had no choice - The Drill Sergeant said so!

This week I am in training for Level 1 Combatives. It involves the strenuous working of muscles I didn't know I had and joints that DON'T MOVE THAT WAY! Dammit. The drills are intense and can result in injury - remember the physically maiming fear I mentioned above - yeah, that one - it lives. But after the first day I am only a little bruised and battered. So there is hope that I will survive the next few days to write again. In other words, I donned my boots and pulled myself up by my boot straps.

I highly suggest you try it. Life is amazing when you do so.

My Seoul

I love Seoul. Truly. I like to describe it as New York City on Steroids. For this episode of Combat Boots, I have decided to make a list of the things I love.

I LOVE my Villa and its accompanying luxuries. Such as the fact that it is all one floor (unlike my house in the states), it has heated floors, the large bathrooms are user and cleaner friendly (drains in the all tile floor in an all tile room), utility costs are minimal (mostly I think because we are on the 4th floor), and the VIEW! I can't say enough about the view! It is quite certainly, amazing. The view of Banpo Bridge includes a water show, where jets spray out the side in all kinds of different patterns. Entertaining and lovely to watch while sipping a glass of wine. The balcony wraps around the side of the Villa and is large enough for a BBQ, some chairs and a table. It is a favorite hangout for my smoking friends when they visit. In the summer, we can open the windows and the breeze cool us down quickly. The only time we really must have the air conditioner on is in the middle of summer when it is the hottest and at night... I hate sweating at night. There is an elevator for grocery day but the stairs for those days when a little exercise is a must (like right before a weigh in or a PT test!) My car is safely ensconced in the garage below and stays accessible to me regardless of what the weather brings. It is truly a wonderful place to live. I feel spoiled and I am building up the memories here for when I am deployed, living in a tent with no luxuries whatsoever - for I know those days are coming!

Korean ovens. I don't ever have to worry about cooking large meals again. My oven fits a Guinea Hen rather nicely, and well, a large chicken... not so much. I think this should help with keeping my entertaining to a manageable level. Us and another couple should do it.

Online shopping. I am getting good at it. Especially since I went into a Korean lingerie shop and they measured me for a bra. The women there exclaimed many exciting things in Korean while covering their mouths and chortling... and I had to walk out empty handed and with a rather red face. It was also rather disconcerting to find myself in the plus size category as a size 8. I do love the fact that I can wear anything I want. It really is anything goes here in the fashion department. Now if only my husband felt that way...

Seoul is a walking city. I could get along here just fine without a car. On rainy and cold days, and also super hot days, it isn't so much fun -but it can be done fairly easily truth be told. The subways, buses and taxis all coexist to make it a walkers heaven. I am not exactly going for the angel of the year award in this department, but it is something to love nonetheless.

Torrential downpours. Yes, I get to often boat to Yongsan Garrison during parts of the monsoon season. It offers a change of pace and a little excitement as I careen down the sidewalk at a breakneck speed. There is no other, or better, way to do it. Using the paddle to move pedestrians out of the way is an added entertainment. I have thought about adding a 50 cal to my boats accouterments, but it is meeting with some resistance.

Taxis. Taking a taxi is fun. I sit in the back and relax as the driver makes a way where there is none, treats traffic rules and signals as optional and gets me where I want to go in record time. I may practice a little Korean and he a little English as the ride progresses. All is good in the world. Did I mention cheap? But to drive on the roads with a taxi - well, not so much... I mean, the whole traffic rules and lights being optional thing is not so great when you are sharing the road.

My "hoopty." It is a 1994 Kia Sephia. It is ugly and temperamental, however, it was only $500 and gets me back and forth to post, albeit not beautifully. I don't ever have to worry about denting my fender or marring my paint finish when hitting a taxi that just cut me off, or moving the pedestrian that wanders into the middle of the roadway out of my way. I am perfectly happy to park it with inches to spare knowing a ding or two from the car door next to it will only add to its character. Even my grocery cart loves the way it is allowed to lean up against it, resting while bags are thrown willy-nilly into the recesses of the trunk. We have a very relaxed relationship, my hoopty and me.

Itaewon. It is a great place to walk and window, or street, shop. It is a great place to meet friends, have a meal, have a drink, or two or three. There are vendors everywhere that will sell me anything. Haggling on prices is encouraged and done with vigor. I get to do an obstacle course as I wind my way through crowds and vendor carts. And as I make my way between moving cars and veering taxis my heart gets pumping and my joints loosen. There are plenty of places for me to go, play some pool, dance to some groovy music, or otherwise, chill.

The little Korean man that yells and throws things as he walks by me in Itaewon. I know he is saying really important things... if only I could understand him... I am sure I would agree.

Bulgogi Burgers at McDonald's. Yum.

Rotiboy. Another yum and a must do when visiting Itaewon.

Vendor food. 'Nuff said.

Yes, living in Seoul has definitely broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the many blessings I enjoy here. I am going to like being here for a few more years. There is so much more for me to experience and learn to love. I look forward to traveling into other parts of Asia as well. I want to hike Mt Fuji, scuba in Okinawa, walk the Great Wall of China and get to Russia if I can as well. Much to do, much to do...

Oh, and I love running the hills here on post. Really. I know if I say it enough and with enough enthusiasm I will believe it, and you will too.

The Chameleon and the Dragonfly

Anyone who knows me and knows my husband, knows that we have been each other's mainstay for the better part of 11 years now. We have been joined at the hip for all that time and neither one of us saw the need to have much outside of each other. That has now changed. For me at least.

After a year of living apart, of me attending Basic Training, AIT and then living in Seoul at my first duty station for 4 months or so before David joining me - we are now having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the changes in each other. Or the lack of them. It is taking some time to get back the easy communication we experienced before.

I know I am a different person now. I am not the chameleon that I once was - I do not conform myself to my significant other anymore. I have become my own person. Strong willed (I have always been thus - but now even more so because I know more about myself), optimistic (I was incredibly cynical before), at peace inside (I carried around a lot of anger inside for most of my life), and out-going (I had let David make me a homebody and hermit like person over the years.) I like who I am now. It frustrates me that the changes I have made are not all satisfactory to my man.

And while my man believes he has not changed, he has. He has become more controlling over the past year. I think being in charge of the house has given him plenty of time to learn what he likes and doesn't like. He is more adamant about running things the way he wants to. He is less accommodating. And while this is not an earth shattering change, it is still an adjustment. He seems more clingy to me now, but I think that this may be a matter of perception. I now enjoy my alone time and I enjoy the lack of responsibility that comes with only looking after myself and my own happiness. I spend a lot more time "in my own head." This makes this clinging sometimes feel smothering. But it is something we can work on together.

I think this is equivalent to the turmoil that happens to a marriage when the kids move out. The time has come to work hard to embrace the changes in each other and to allow each other to grow - together and apart. We need to be able to stand strong on our own and then we will be all the more strong together. But it is hard. And scary. And it makes me feel guilty - and that is the bad part. I don't want to feel guilty for being me, especially when I like who I am now. For the first time I am content with who I am.

I want to be me and have my best friend too. But I don't want to give up who I am, become that chameleon once again to make life easier - because in the long run, it won't be easier.

The chameleon is gone and the dragonfly has taken its place.

Streams in the Desert

There are so many new cool things to talk about. I am going to do a stream of consciousness writing for this blog because all the things I am thinking encompass different subjects.

I was walking back to the barracks a few weeks ago and all of a sudden I was surrounded by the most amazing smell. Now anyone that has spent any time at the Yongsan Garrison knows that when anyone talks of smells it is usually not in a positive way. Quite frankly, the sewage system leaves a lot to be desired and the reek of it will often attack you in the most inopportune moments - like when you are gasping for breath after a run on MP Hill. Gasping for breath generally entails mouth wide open - totally wicked gross. So back to that most amazing smell - LILACS! In full bloom. All of a sudden I had a flashback to my room in my old house on Hall Street in Portland Maine. I had the best lilac tree right outside my window and when the window was open it filled my room with the scent of its flowers. Nice memories. It made me homesick.

Last Monday I received my newly cut orders with permission to bring my husband to Seoul. A weight lifted off my shoulders as I contemplated two or three years there with my husband. Him by my side and a new fresh start for him is everything we wanted. Did I say my husband has to have surgery before he comes over to live? He does. He needs open heart surgery to replace his aortic valve which is not functioning correctly. It has been the cause of his not being able to really do anything athletic over the past five years. He is looking forward to having his life back. I am looking forward to it as well, although I am terrified of the surgery. Yes I said it out loud. It terrifies me. I will not think of life without him. Will not. But cannot help visiting this in my nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat - cannot wait until it is over and he is well on his way to recovery. Cannot wait until he is with me in Seoul. And we are picking up where we left off before I went into training. I realized last night that we have been apart for almost the whole 9th year of our marriage. It is a wake up call in a different way - one that forces us to never take for granted what we have in each other.

I am home now on emergency leave. David has surgery on Tuesday. I don't like dwelling on it and have my own form of escapism planned. My son, Nate and I are going skydiving tomorrow. We have been planning this for a long time and now is our chance before he leaves for Okinawa and I go back to Seoul. Some might see this as selfish - skydiving right before my husband's surgery, but I see it as a way to face life head on - face all my fears face to face. To break through barriers of limitations. To awaken the courage I have inside - to glorify in the rush of adrenaline. I only wish I had long hair again for the wind to rush through...

More later, I am going to go spend some quality time shopping with my man. And my son. Before outside forces rush in and claim us.

I Am Amazed

Every time I get on this blog and see a comment from a reader thanking me for it, I am amazed.

I have never seen myself as any great writer. In fact, I have often lamented to my daughter and my husband that I wish I had the gift of expression that they do. My husband writes wonderfully, with lots of humor and imaginative material. My daughter writes prose and poetry, the like of which brings me to tears, it is so incredibly moving. When comparing myself to them I seem a piddly writer at best.

I read once somewhere that an author should write about what they know or would love to know about. I am assuming that if you love it than the research will be done more completely and with more joy than trying to learn about something you just cannot stomach. Makes sense. So, I guess writing about my Army training and career set me off on this path of writing about something I have experienced. Enjoyed. And know a little something about. This meets all requirements as far as I can tell.

I am, at heart, an optimistic person. I have not always been but that is what happens when you meet the love of your life, get a life and then decide that life is good, regardless. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely trials - one I am going through right now is the process of trying to get the love of my life over here to Korea. The process itself is not hard but the people processing it are less than... well, less than. It is a depressing process. However, the Soldier's Creed plainly states that "I will never quit" and I won't. I may complain - loudly - but I will not stop trying. This is good I think when serving your country requires great sacrifices from both you and your loved ones.

Today as I was contemplating who I could get angry with, without losing my rank, a pheasant strut by outside my office. A pheasant! Out for a leisurely stroll, relaxed as could be. I thought to myself that since I had joined the Army I had seen wonderful things (like a sunrise - LOL! - anyone who knows me knows how I detest mornings...) and experienced wondrous things (like my body actually doing some pretty intense physical exercise!)... so, would getting angry really accomplish anything in the long run? No. It will just give me an ulcer. And I have enough issues.

May God bless you and show you wondrous things! And may you focus your eyes and see.

Artemis in Seoulland

I saw Alice in Wonderland today. I can totally relate to the disorientation of finding myself in a place where I don't know anyone and where they speak in strange tongues.

It started with the 14 hour flight that seemed just like falling down a rabbit hole. I ate strange foods and found myself becoming someone other than the woman I am used to being. I am a world traveler.

I have been transformed from a civilian wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend into a soldier. There are adventures to pursue, enemies to overcome, people to assist and cases to prepare. It is a busy life. A good life. The only thing that would make it perfect is if I could do this with all my family and friends close by.

I would be ecstatic to have my husband here by my side! Soon please!

And while I can see several of the characters from the movie in my new life here, I have yet to find the Mad Hatter... I see myself as Alice, but what if, the Mad Hatter, is me?

Time Travel Is Oh, So Military

Leaving my husband was difficult, as usual. It is always hard to have my heart ripped from my chest as I walk away, not really knowing when I will see my best friend again and the pieces of my heart returned to their rightful spot. He, on the other hand, informed me that he did not even shed a tear, knowing he would be seeing me again very soon.

Skype helps.

The flight from Atlanta to JFK was a nice appetizer to the main course that consisted of 14 hours in a coach seat on a stuffy airplane as we flew from JFK to Incheon, South Korea. Not bad really. I sat next to a fellow soldier, Korean born, lucky me! He graciously showed me how to eat the Korean food served on the flight. It was awesome! I love to experience new foods. It makes me happy.

I was very happy. Twice.

Once at the Incheon Airport, I went through security and customs quickly. Easy squeezy. I love being in the military. It definitely has its perks. Once finished with the official business, we signed in for the next bus to Yongsan which left at 8am. Oh, did I mention the time difference?

I left Atlanta on Sunday, February 28th at 5:30pm. I arrived in Korea on Tuesday morning at 5am. I completely skipped Monday. Totally. And completely. All those years when I worked in the office wishing I could skip Mondays... all I had to do was join the Armed Forces to do it!

Just another perk being in the military offers - Time Travel! Sweet!

In-processing today was painless and I ended up having from lunch time on to get settled into the hotel, have something to eat, go chase down chargers for electronics... etc... The Dragon Hill Hotel is very comfortable, would meet my husband's 3 C's (clean, comfortable and... I can't for the life of me remember the other "C" - I keep wanting to say "cuiet"), and in no way prepares me for barracks living I am sure!

I have traveled forward in time, video called my husband, caught up on Facebook and updated my blog... overall a very productive day. Now if only I could not scratch the very itchy small pox vaccination spot... to spread that would be very bad... pray for me.

I am off to bed - it has been a long Sunday and Tuesday.

Duty Calls

So, here I sit at home. The night before I leave for my new duty station.

It is probably the last time I will see my black lab Worf. He is 14 this summer and I cannot take him with me. He and our other dog, a medium size terrier mix named Fozzie, will have to go to a foster home until my two year assignment is done. I also have a lovebird, Jiggy, who will be staying with friends until we get back. The only pet we will get to take is our kitty Remy. Thank goodness we can at least take her.

I look around and see years of "collecting." I cannot even begin to sort through it all. There are things we need to get rid of, sell or give to charity. Things that will have to go into storage and then of course the things I want to take with me (which is really everything since I really want my home over there, not here...)

I want my husband and all his ecoutrements. I am not sure how long it will take to get him over there, but I am hoping that things will go smoothly and it will be soon. It has already been six months that we have had to be separated. I don't like it. Neither does he. That is a good thing though seeing that we are married and spending the rest of our earthly lives together.

I want my family and my friends. Is that too much to ask?

Books. I must have my books. All of them. I don't care if I have to stack them all over the new place. I want all my books.

Art. I want my art. And all my art stuff. Just in case it is pouring rain in the summer and I don't want to go out on the weekend - I will have something to do besides read all those books. Just for variety. Because we all need variety.

Saying I am anxious about this move is an understatement. I have been having attacks all day. I need more time. More time to see family and friends. More time to analyze our belongings and to separate them into categories.

I need more time to just be.

The Army doesn't see it that way though. They want me now. At the Yongsan Garrison. In Seoul, South Korea.

Duty calls.

A Call for Forgiveness

So - I have been at AIT (Advanced Individual Training) since October 31st. I had to wait two weeks to get into a class. It was details every day all day...
Raking leaves, sweeping sidewalks and general cleanup, errands for the Sergeants, etc., to keep us busy while waiting for an instructor.

I have been training as a Paralegal - a 27D now for about 2 months. The training itself has been easy but, the living with 100 other women on the same floor in the barracks has truly been a chore... well, there are a few battles that I will have for life - and I would give my life for them - but there are some that really shouldn't be here.

I am the barracks mom. Of course.

I have struggled with getting an internet connection, with a broken laptop, with Sergeants hell bent on taking over all my personal time.

Personal time? What's that?

A need for sleep and various other issues over the past two and a half months and basically let all you wonderful readers down. I apologize wholeheartedly and will try very hard to do better.

My schedule here Monday through Friday (for those curious souls out there) is as follows:

4am wake up (or sometimes 5am if they are feeling generous)

5-7am Physical Training or "PT"

7-8am Detail and cleaning of our room

8-8:30am Breakfast (Chow!)

9-12:30pm Class

12:30-1:30 Lunch (Chow!)

1:30-5pm Class

5-6:30pm Personal Time (Ha! This is spent cleaning and responding to different orders from the Sergeants - new tortures are provided for entertainment every day!

6:30-7pm Dinner (Chow!)

8-8:45pm Night Accountability Formation

9pm Lights Out!

On the weekend it goes something like this:

6am Wakeup! (Yay - we get to sleep in!)

6:30-11am Bay Maintenance (getting ready for inspection)

11am Inspection

1pm Release on post pass

8pm Evening Formation (on Sunday it is 7pm)

11pm Lights Out (except when it is at 10pm - depending on the Sergeant on duty, or if it is Sunday when it is 9pm)

That is my life in a nutshell - or maybe nuthouse is a better description... :o)

Life in the Army really isn't that bad if you don't mind being flexible and spontaneous. Those are two virtues you MUST cultivate.

In fact, they really need to add those to the Army Values list...

The Last Days of Pompeii (aka Army Basic Training)

I got the last of Dela's blog notes from BCT. After this, I'm relieved of duty and she will begin to update her blog again.

Wed. Oct. 14

Today was Omaha Beach day. It was raining buckets again so it was cancelled. They are taking no chances with the live fire I guess. There is a RUMOR (on the PNN -- Private News Network) that a bullet ricocheted and hit someone at this exercise at one time. I have not been able to verify this though. There are so many safeties in place for trainees that if it did happen, it had to be a freak accident.

Instead of Omaha, we had a locker inspection. Mine was the first locker inspected. I had nothing I wasn't supposed to have so there were no worries for me. The only comment Drill Sergeant had was when he was holding two handfuls of letters from my hubby. "I suspect that there is no fraternization going on with you." I told him, "No, my husband certainly would not approve." :) One of the other privates had a bag of leftover food from her MRE's and two others were found fraternizing. They were disciplined quite severely. They lost pay and had extra duty. Such stupid things to do and especially so close to graduation. DUH!

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Thur. Oct. 15

Today I spent half the day at Dental being a Battle Buddy. I missed PT in Full Battle Rattle. Bummer. It was pretty grueling from what I have heard. It included a 1/2 mile run, 50 yard sprint, drag your battle buddy, fireman carry your battle buddy, then carry two 25 lb. jugs across the field over an obstacle, and hang from the pull up bar for 30 seconds. UGH! It will be nice if I don't have to make that up!

Tonight we worked on our Berets (shaving and shaping) [editor's note: I have no idea what "shaving" a beret entails. Do they come with whiskers?] and everyone got excited for when Victory Forge is over and we could legitimately wear them. Hooah!

A church service completed my night. We leave for Victory Forge on Saturday!

*We also ordered our Battalion and Platoon t-shirts. I thought they were cool. And I just had to get 2 shot glasses. :)

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Fri. Oct. 16

Today we spent packing Victory Forge. Making sure we had everything we needed for the week in the field. And, of course, we had to make sure our weapons were clean.

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Sat. Oct. 17

Not a typical Saturday. Today we leave for Victory Forge. Never really thought this day would ever come. It seemed both quick in its arrival and long in getting here. Breakfast was at the DFAC. A decent meal for our sendoff.

We were motormoved to our F.O.B. (Forward Operating Base) and threw our stuff in tent. Our tent held all 2nd platoon females. All 23 of them. Our cots were 10 inches apart. Much too close for comfort. We motormoved a short distance away and practiced direct and indirect fire. We were there all day. It was pretty chilly out and a lot of the day was spent sitting, waiting on our turn. Then we did it all again in the dark with NVG's on. It was a fairly easy day and it would have been even better if the weather was just a little bit warmer. My fireguard shift was frigid!

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Sun. Oct. 18

Not a typical Sunday either. We were up in the dark and motormoved to the range for Omaha Beach (we are doing it -- finally!). In Basttle Buddy teams we had to traverse an obstacle course (barriers and tires, walls, barrels, etc.) firing live rounds at the "enemy" (pop up targets). We were each followed by a drill sergeant to ensure safety. It really was easy and despite the chilly morning the day ended up being quite gorgeous.

We were then moved, by bus, back to the F.O.B. where we had chow and a little personal time.

It was dark so fast that I had to "bathe" and change clothes, arrange my stuff and roll out my sleeping bag in the pitch dark. Joy!

It is a bitter cold night and I have fireguard in the middle of the night. Brrrr! Someone said our nights were going to down to 28° F! Mega BRRRR!

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Mon. Oct. 19

This morning was super chilly. We can see our breath but not feel our fingers, toes or noses. I have definitely been in the South too long. My blood has thinned. After breakfast we were told we had ECP duty today. ECP is "Entry Control Point" and consists of staggered barricades, barbed wire, a tower and weapon points. There is also a vehicle search area. Our first rotation would be to providce extra security for the ECP in case of attack. If attacked and in need of us, they would call us in over the radio. We would then respond as we would for direct fire. We posted at our patrol point and waited.

It was a nice break to stand around and plan our response, chat with the drill sergeants. It was starting to warm up into a nice, sunny day. We heard gunfire and soon after were called into action. Our maneuver squad eliminated most of the opposition before the flanking squad ever got there. It was a well planned response. We were later told that an enemy sniper had been concealed and shot us all dead. Oh well. It was a really good time anyway.

The maneuver squad was then posted at the ECP to relieve the other platoon and we went back to the tent to await our turn. Since security was a 24 hr assignment, we were told to sleep when we could. I napped a bit but was mostly just enjoying some down time.

We waited all day. And most of the night. Our ECP orders ended up being from 11 pm to 2 am. It was SO COLD! Even the drill sergeant was not immune to the temperature. (I thought they had classes on how to be immune to the cold, pain and no sleep but this is not so.) I was hoping we would get attacked just so the adrenaline rush would warm me up, but alas, nothing happened. I manned a SAW on the right side of the twoer facing the woods and pretended to shoot phantom enemy which were really only shadows. Bummer.

I was sure glad to crawl into that sleeping bag finally! Warmth!

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Tues Oct. 20

An early morning march of about 3 miles greeted us. We marched to a range for another live fire exercise. First a "dry run" with blanks and then again with live rounds.

In squads, we went up a hill in a wedge formation until we heard gunfire. Then we dropped to the ground and the two teams in the squad used the 3-5 second rush to bound from cover to cover until we were all on line. Once on line we moved forward to a grey wall. Over thew wall we went and all posted up in various spots to hit pop up targets down range. My squad was very successful and we all got "go's". We had no safety violations and executed our manuever well. We ended up being at the range all day.

A motormove took us back to the FOB where we climbed into our sleeping bags. Cold and exhausted.

I slept pretty well despite it all.

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Wed Oct. 21

Motormove to the MOUT range. It was still dark when we got there.

All day we practiced entering a building, clearing rooms, safely going upstairs (the video guy got us doing this ) covering a team exiting one building and entering another, how to use cover and concealment in an urban terrain, etc.

Once everyone did this in squads we practiced some more. Once night fell we donned the NVG's and executed our drills once again. Practicing direct fire maneuvers in the dark was the only really hard part of the day. I continued to roll my ankle on the pine needles, rocks, holes, etc. found everywhere here. I am not sure it will ever really have a chance to heal correctly. It just seems to get worse each day. I hope I make it to graduation.

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Thur Oct. 22

Everyone is excited -- today is our last day in the field. Hooah!

Validation lanes took up the whole day -- along with getting everything ready to go and policing the area. I was a little tired form doing both my fireguard and my battle buddy's. She was giving me $40 though for one hour -- how could I say no?

Overall, I really enjoyed the things we got to do. My squad works well together and firing my M16 is always fun.

Our drill sergeant let us put our weapons on burst and fire off the rest of our rounds. That was pretty cool -- there was a a lot more flame coming out of the barrel than before. I could see it clearly in the daylight.

Right before chow I had my ankles taped by an athletic trainer for the 6-mile Victory March "home". My DS caught and bawled me out for going without his permission. I felt bad because I hadn't realized I had to go through my chain of command for it.

I had some chow and while eating, the DS told me to get my stuff together and get into the 5-ton. There were about 16 of us that were chosen from among the platoons to ride the 5-ton back to the bay. My DS and I had a staring contest -- me pleading to be allowed to march with my platoon. Finally, he just looked at me and said, "Soldier! You are not marching!" I couldn't help it but I started to cry. He came over to me and asked me why was I crying?

I told him that I wanted to march -- I wanted to complete everything. He said, "I can't send you to AIT broken. If you hurt yourself more in this march, which is not required, you would have to remain here as a holdover. You have completed everything. Let me do my job."

I understood. But I didn't have to like it! On the ride back to the bay, DS Potter told me, "There is a fine line between pride and stupidity. And the only better than going to Basic Training at 40 and graduating, would be going to basic training and graduating at 41!" He really cheered me with those words.

Once back at the bay we cleaned up and got things ready for the Beret Ceremony. Seeing our Company come around the corner was a great sight! We were at the top of the hill by the drill pad cheering them all on. I wanted SO BAD TO HAVE BEDEN ONE OF THEM!! It made the night rather bittersweet.

The Beret Ceremony was nice. A little ceremony, some laughter, and a bonfire. Nice.

The best part of the day, besides being called soldiers and donning our new headgear, was making up my cheap twin mattress and snuggling under that Army green wool blanket.

Warmth!

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Fri Oct. 23

So this is our first day of recovery -- and all we have done is turn in, and clean of course, all our gear. It has to be all laid out in a particular fashion so inventory can be taken. Also this is the time for worn equipment and obsolete equipment to be replaced or taken away. It was a frustrating day with too many chiefs and not enough Indians.

And there are always those who conveniently "disappear" when any real work needed to be done.

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Sat Oct. 24

More of the same, laying stuff out, counting, scavenger hunting up missing equipment, more counting, etc., etc.

Blah.

The days are dragging! And I am having a hard time getting along with some of my battle buddies.

Ugh.

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Sun Oct. 25

Church! Bible Study! Yay!

We also had to complete one more Battlemind Survey. [I don't know what this is, but I think it's some kind of psycho-kinetic exercise. -- ed.] It was hard staying awake long enough to fill in the little bubbles. Some of my little bubbles had stray lines... hope it doesn't mess anything up. :)

These days are so long. I think I liked it better when we were insanely busy -- at least then the time moved faster!!

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Mon Oct. 26

Out processing! I fought to stay awake through the briefing. Then back at the bay we received our freshly pressed Class A uniforms. Nice!

Not much else going on besides the inventory checks, rechecks and more rechecks... I am not sure that process will ever truly end...

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Tues Oct. 27

Today was Graduation Practice. In the pouring rain. We got soaked!

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Wed Oct. 28

Today was Graduation Practice. In beautiful weather. We dried out.

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Thurs Oct. 29

Family Day! We came running across the field through smoke and simulated mortars. Cool stuff!

Lynnze and Dani found me first. Then David and Mom. It was a very happy reunion. We hung out on post for the day. It was heaven!

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Fri Oct. 30

Graduation Day -- off post. More heaven!! :)