Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Chameleon and the Dragonfly

Anyone who knows me and knows my husband, knows that we have been each other's mainstay for the better part of 11 years now. We have been joined at the hip for all that time and neither one of us saw the need to have much outside of each other. That has now changed. For me at least.

After a year of living apart, of me attending Basic Training, AIT and then living in Seoul at my first duty station for 4 months or so before David joining me - we are now having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the changes in each other. Or the lack of them. It is taking some time to get back the easy communication we experienced before.

I know I am a different person now. I am not the chameleon that I once was - I do not conform myself to my significant other anymore. I have become my own person. Strong willed (I have always been thus - but now even more so because I know more about myself), optimistic (I was incredibly cynical before), at peace inside (I carried around a lot of anger inside for most of my life), and out-going (I had let David make me a homebody and hermit like person over the years.) I like who I am now. It frustrates me that the changes I have made are not all satisfactory to my man.

And while my man believes he has not changed, he has. He has become more controlling over the past year. I think being in charge of the house has given him plenty of time to learn what he likes and doesn't like. He is more adamant about running things the way he wants to. He is less accommodating. And while this is not an earth shattering change, it is still an adjustment. He seems more clingy to me now, but I think that this may be a matter of perception. I now enjoy my alone time and I enjoy the lack of responsibility that comes with only looking after myself and my own happiness. I spend a lot more time "in my own head." This makes this clinging sometimes feel smothering. But it is something we can work on together.

I think this is equivalent to the turmoil that happens to a marriage when the kids move out. The time has come to work hard to embrace the changes in each other and to allow each other to grow - together and apart. We need to be able to stand strong on our own and then we will be all the more strong together. But it is hard. And scary. And it makes me feel guilty - and that is the bad part. I don't want to feel guilty for being me, especially when I like who I am now. For the first time I am content with who I am.

I want to be me and have my best friend too. But I don't want to give up who I am, become that chameleon once again to make life easier - because in the long run, it won't be easier.

The chameleon is gone and the dragonfly has taken its place.


11 comments:

  1. Wow. You experienced a similar kind of change I have on going through army training. The world seems a little bit different now doesn't it? The experience definitely changes you and your perception of what you thought was OK for you before. Your standards for living your life get higher. The sergeants said this would happen to everyone who goes through training and the were right.

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  2. Hi. I regularly visit your blog.
    Your story makes me fun and I can't wait the next update!
    I'll write soon.

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  3. Thanks Colanyc - it is hard to explain to anyone who has never gone through the training. And it makes it very hard on a relationship - since one of you grows so fast and hard and the other stays the same. :(
    But hopefully, it will be just another growing experience in a long line of experiences in my marriage. We will see.
    In the meantime, we pray. :)

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  4. Thank you Yui - I am glad you like it!!
    I promise there will be more - I just have to get back into the swing of writing again.
    Life has been a little crazy and I am still adjusting to life in the Army and to Korea.
    Hang in there - I will not let you down.
    :)

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  5. Marriage is just that, it is growing and becoming who you are destined to be,along with your partner by your side. It is embracing the changes. Both of you changing and helping each other in the transition. It need not be a deal breaker but a marriage maker. You are not the person you once were. Granted; nor is your husband who he once was. You have to find out where you are both going and there together. good luck.

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  6. Wow. This made me feel like total shit.

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  7. That wasn't how it was supposed to make you feel. Sorry you took it that way. :(

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  8. The only certain thing in life is change. Its hard to change and grow with someone... which is part of the trick of making relationships work. Its hard work... but thats part of the reason why love is so wonderful. I haven't been in an 11 year relationship -- but being in a five year relationship from 17-22 (the years I have changed the most) has shown me how change can be a good thing. Neither one of us are even close to the people we were when we met -- we are better. And we couldn't have become the people we are today without each other. So even though you are different its not necessarily a bad thing - just have to figure out how to make these new people work. But don't give up! It will work out if you're willing to do the work.
    I am always here if you need to talk!
    <3 Sarah

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  9. I wish you and your husband the best! I know times must get really hard living the military lifestyle (and soon I'll find out first hand). But keep the faith and be optimistic! Thank you for your service to our country

    :)

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  10. This is the best post on this topic i have ever read.I am really very impressed with the blogging

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