The Chameleon and the Dragonfly

Anyone who knows me and knows my husband, knows that we have been each other's mainstay for the better part of 11 years now. We have been joined at the hip for all that time and neither one of us saw the need to have much outside of each other. That has now changed. For me at least.

After a year of living apart, of me attending Basic Training, AIT and then living in Seoul at my first duty station for 4 months or so before David joining me - we are now having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the changes in each other. Or the lack of them. It is taking some time to get back the easy communication we experienced before.

I know I am a different person now. I am not the chameleon that I once was - I do not conform myself to my significant other anymore. I have become my own person. Strong willed (I have always been thus - but now even more so because I know more about myself), optimistic (I was incredibly cynical before), at peace inside (I carried around a lot of anger inside for most of my life), and out-going (I had let David make me a homebody and hermit like person over the years.) I like who I am now. It frustrates me that the changes I have made are not all satisfactory to my man.

And while my man believes he has not changed, he has. He has become more controlling over the past year. I think being in charge of the house has given him plenty of time to learn what he likes and doesn't like. He is more adamant about running things the way he wants to. He is less accommodating. And while this is not an earth shattering change, it is still an adjustment. He seems more clingy to me now, but I think that this may be a matter of perception. I now enjoy my alone time and I enjoy the lack of responsibility that comes with only looking after myself and my own happiness. I spend a lot more time "in my own head." This makes this clinging sometimes feel smothering. But it is something we can work on together.

I think this is equivalent to the turmoil that happens to a marriage when the kids move out. The time has come to work hard to embrace the changes in each other and to allow each other to grow - together and apart. We need to be able to stand strong on our own and then we will be all the more strong together. But it is hard. And scary. And it makes me feel guilty - and that is the bad part. I don't want to feel guilty for being me, especially when I like who I am now. For the first time I am content with who I am.

I want to be me and have my best friend too. But I don't want to give up who I am, become that chameleon once again to make life easier - because in the long run, it won't be easier.

The chameleon is gone and the dragonfly has taken its place.

Streams in the Desert

There are so many new cool things to talk about. I am going to do a stream of consciousness writing for this blog because all the things I am thinking encompass different subjects.

I was walking back to the barracks a few weeks ago and all of a sudden I was surrounded by the most amazing smell. Now anyone that has spent any time at the Yongsan Garrison knows that when anyone talks of smells it is usually not in a positive way. Quite frankly, the sewage system leaves a lot to be desired and the reek of it will often attack you in the most inopportune moments - like when you are gasping for breath after a run on MP Hill. Gasping for breath generally entails mouth wide open - totally wicked gross. So back to that most amazing smell - LILACS! In full bloom. All of a sudden I had a flashback to my room in my old house on Hall Street in Portland Maine. I had the best lilac tree right outside my window and when the window was open it filled my room with the scent of its flowers. Nice memories. It made me homesick.

Last Monday I received my newly cut orders with permission to bring my husband to Seoul. A weight lifted off my shoulders as I contemplated two or three years there with my husband. Him by my side and a new fresh start for him is everything we wanted. Did I say my husband has to have surgery before he comes over to live? He does. He needs open heart surgery to replace his aortic valve which is not functioning correctly. It has been the cause of his not being able to really do anything athletic over the past five years. He is looking forward to having his life back. I am looking forward to it as well, although I am terrified of the surgery. Yes I said it out loud. It terrifies me. I will not think of life without him. Will not. But cannot help visiting this in my nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat - cannot wait until it is over and he is well on his way to recovery. Cannot wait until he is with me in Seoul. And we are picking up where we left off before I went into training. I realized last night that we have been apart for almost the whole 9th year of our marriage. It is a wake up call in a different way - one that forces us to never take for granted what we have in each other.

I am home now on emergency leave. David has surgery on Tuesday. I don't like dwelling on it and have my own form of escapism planned. My son, Nate and I are going skydiving tomorrow. We have been planning this for a long time and now is our chance before he leaves for Okinawa and I go back to Seoul. Some might see this as selfish - skydiving right before my husband's surgery, but I see it as a way to face life head on - face all my fears face to face. To break through barriers of limitations. To awaken the courage I have inside - to glorify in the rush of adrenaline. I only wish I had long hair again for the wind to rush through...

More later, I am going to go spend some quality time shopping with my man. And my son. Before outside forces rush in and claim us.

I Am Amazed

Every time I get on this blog and see a comment from a reader thanking me for it, I am amazed.

I have never seen myself as any great writer. In fact, I have often lamented to my daughter and my husband that I wish I had the gift of expression that they do. My husband writes wonderfully, with lots of humor and imaginative material. My daughter writes prose and poetry, the like of which brings me to tears, it is so incredibly moving. When comparing myself to them I seem a piddly writer at best.

I read once somewhere that an author should write about what they know or would love to know about. I am assuming that if you love it than the research will be done more completely and with more joy than trying to learn about something you just cannot stomach. Makes sense. So, I guess writing about my Army training and career set me off on this path of writing about something I have experienced. Enjoyed. And know a little something about. This meets all requirements as far as I can tell.

I am, at heart, an optimistic person. I have not always been but that is what happens when you meet the love of your life, get a life and then decide that life is good, regardless. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely trials - one I am going through right now is the process of trying to get the love of my life over here to Korea. The process itself is not hard but the people processing it are less than... well, less than. It is a depressing process. However, the Soldier's Creed plainly states that "I will never quit" and I won't. I may complain - loudly - but I will not stop trying. This is good I think when serving your country requires great sacrifices from both you and your loved ones.

Today as I was contemplating who I could get angry with, without losing my rank, a pheasant strut by outside my office. A pheasant! Out for a leisurely stroll, relaxed as could be. I thought to myself that since I had joined the Army I had seen wonderful things (like a sunrise - LOL! - anyone who knows me knows how I detest mornings...) and experienced wondrous things (like my body actually doing some pretty intense physical exercise!)... so, would getting angry really accomplish anything in the long run? No. It will just give me an ulcer. And I have enough issues.

May God bless you and show you wondrous things! And may you focus your eyes and see.

Artemis in Seoulland

I saw Alice in Wonderland today. I can totally relate to the disorientation of finding myself in a place where I don't know anyone and where they speak in strange tongues.

It started with the 14 hour flight that seemed just like falling down a rabbit hole. I ate strange foods and found myself becoming someone other than the woman I am used to being. I am a world traveler.

I have been transformed from a civilian wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend into a soldier. There are adventures to pursue, enemies to overcome, people to assist and cases to prepare. It is a busy life. A good life. The only thing that would make it perfect is if I could do this with all my family and friends close by.

I would be ecstatic to have my husband here by my side! Soon please!

And while I can see several of the characters from the movie in my new life here, I have yet to find the Mad Hatter... I see myself as Alice, but what if, the Mad Hatter, is me?

Time Travel Is Oh, So Military

Leaving my husband was difficult, as usual. It is always hard to have my heart ripped from my chest as I walk away, not really knowing when I will see my best friend again and the pieces of my heart returned to their rightful spot. He, on the other hand, informed me that he did not even shed a tear, knowing he would be seeing me again very soon.

Skype helps.

The flight from Atlanta to JFK was a nice appetizer to the main course that consisted of 14 hours in a coach seat on a stuffy airplane as we flew from JFK to Incheon, South Korea. Not bad really. I sat next to a fellow soldier, Korean born, lucky me! He graciously showed me how to eat the Korean food served on the flight. It was awesome! I love to experience new foods. It makes me happy.

I was very happy. Twice.

Once at the Incheon Airport, I went through security and customs quickly. Easy squeezy. I love being in the military. It definitely has its perks. Once finished with the official business, we signed in for the next bus to Yongsan which left at 8am. Oh, did I mention the time difference?

I left Atlanta on Sunday, February 28th at 5:30pm. I arrived in Korea on Tuesday morning at 5am. I completely skipped Monday. Totally. And completely. All those years when I worked in the office wishing I could skip Mondays... all I had to do was join the Armed Forces to do it!

Just another perk being in the military offers - Time Travel! Sweet!

In-processing today was painless and I ended up having from lunch time on to get settled into the hotel, have something to eat, go chase down chargers for electronics... etc... The Dragon Hill Hotel is very comfortable, would meet my husband's 3 C's (clean, comfortable and... I can't for the life of me remember the other "C" - I keep wanting to say "cuiet"), and in no way prepares me for barracks living I am sure!

I have traveled forward in time, video called my husband, caught up on Facebook and updated my blog... overall a very productive day. Now if only I could not scratch the very itchy small pox vaccination spot... to spread that would be very bad... pray for me.

I am off to bed - it has been a long Sunday and Tuesday.

Duty Calls

So, here I sit at home. The night before I leave for my new duty station.

It is probably the last time I will see my black lab Worf. He is 14 this summer and I cannot take him with me. He and our other dog, a medium size terrier mix named Fozzie, will have to go to a foster home until my two year assignment is done. I also have a lovebird, Jiggy, who will be staying with friends until we get back. The only pet we will get to take is our kitty Remy. Thank goodness we can at least take her.

I look around and see years of "collecting." I cannot even begin to sort through it all. There are things we need to get rid of, sell or give to charity. Things that will have to go into storage and then of course the things I want to take with me (which is really everything since I really want my home over there, not here...)

I want my husband and all his ecoutrements. I am not sure how long it will take to get him over there, but I am hoping that things will go smoothly and it will be soon. It has already been six months that we have had to be separated. I don't like it. Neither does he. That is a good thing though seeing that we are married and spending the rest of our earthly lives together.

I want my family and my friends. Is that too much to ask?

Books. I must have my books. All of them. I don't care if I have to stack them all over the new place. I want all my books.

Art. I want my art. And all my art stuff. Just in case it is pouring rain in the summer and I don't want to go out on the weekend - I will have something to do besides read all those books. Just for variety. Because we all need variety.

Saying I am anxious about this move is an understatement. I have been having attacks all day. I need more time. More time to see family and friends. More time to analyze our belongings and to separate them into categories.

I need more time to just be.

The Army doesn't see it that way though. They want me now. At the Yongsan Garrison. In Seoul, South Korea.

Duty calls.

A Call for Forgiveness

So - I have been at AIT (Advanced Individual Training) since October 31st. I had to wait two weeks to get into a class. It was details every day all day...
Raking leaves, sweeping sidewalks and general cleanup, errands for the Sergeants, etc., to keep us busy while waiting for an instructor.

I have been training as a Paralegal - a 27D now for about 2 months. The training itself has been easy but, the living with 100 other women on the same floor in the barracks has truly been a chore... well, there are a few battles that I will have for life - and I would give my life for them - but there are some that really shouldn't be here.

I am the barracks mom. Of course.

I have struggled with getting an internet connection, with a broken laptop, with Sergeants hell bent on taking over all my personal time.

Personal time? What's that?

A need for sleep and various other issues over the past two and a half months and basically let all you wonderful readers down. I apologize wholeheartedly and will try very hard to do better.

My schedule here Monday through Friday (for those curious souls out there) is as follows:

4am wake up (or sometimes 5am if they are feeling generous)

5-7am Physical Training or "PT"

7-8am Detail and cleaning of our room

8-8:30am Breakfast (Chow!)

9-12:30pm Class

12:30-1:30 Lunch (Chow!)

1:30-5pm Class

5-6:30pm Personal Time (Ha! This is spent cleaning and responding to different orders from the Sergeants - new tortures are provided for entertainment every day!

6:30-7pm Dinner (Chow!)

8-8:45pm Night Accountability Formation

9pm Lights Out!

On the weekend it goes something like this:

6am Wakeup! (Yay - we get to sleep in!)

6:30-11am Bay Maintenance (getting ready for inspection)

11am Inspection

1pm Release on post pass

8pm Evening Formation (on Sunday it is 7pm)

11pm Lights Out (except when it is at 10pm - depending on the Sergeant on duty, or if it is Sunday when it is 9pm)

That is my life in a nutshell - or maybe nuthouse is a better description... :o)

Life in the Army really isn't that bad if you don't mind being flexible and spontaneous. Those are two virtues you MUST cultivate.

In fact, they really need to add those to the Army Values list...