Don Your Boots!

Fear. It seems to me that I have always been afraid.

Fear of failing followed me all throughout my school years, until high school anyway, where my fear of being a goody two shoes far outweighed my fear of bad grades.

Fear of being alone made me go boyfriend to boyfriend, husband to husband. Until now of course. I have been completely unafraid of being alone for twelve years now... it has since been replaced with the fear of NEVER being alone! (Just kidding David - Love you Honey!)

Fear of never being good enough followed me throughout the growth of four amazing, but oftentimes completely frustrating, children I call my own. This fear was validated on a daily basis when I was told quite plainly by them that I was not ever going to be good enough.

Fear of being physically maimed. This is a big one. The thought of it paralyzes me at times.

Fear. I hate it and I loathe it at the same time that I love it. Fear gives me an excuse to NOT do something. That being said: I have never let fear keep me from doing what I REALLY wanted to do, or what I felt I HAD to do.

I donned my boots! Pulled myself up by my bootstraps!

I learned in Army Basic Training that while we may feel fear, fear does not have to control us. It can't, or how would we get any soldiering done at all? It is when we allow the fear to take control and stop us from doing things, that we lose completely.

During the Confidence Courses there at Ft Jackson, SC, I developed a paralyzing fear of a log that I had to cross to get to the zip line that I REALLY wanted to do! It slowly crept up on me while watching another battle buddy struggle with it. I had been fully confident before that, even though it was twenty feet off the ground! It took me forever to get across that thing - but get across I did. I had no choice - The Drill Sergeant said so!

This week I am in training for Level 1 Combatives. It involves the strenuous working of muscles I didn't know I had and joints that DON'T MOVE THAT WAY! Dammit. The drills are intense and can result in injury - remember the physically maiming fear I mentioned above - yeah, that one - it lives. But after the first day I am only a little bruised and battered. So there is hope that I will survive the next few days to write again. In other words, I donned my boots and pulled myself up by my boot straps.

I highly suggest you try it. Life is amazing when you do so.

My Seoul

I love Seoul. Truly. I like to describe it as New York City on Steroids. For this episode of Combat Boots, I have decided to make a list of the things I love.

I LOVE my Villa and its accompanying luxuries. Such as the fact that it is all one floor (unlike my house in the states), it has heated floors, the large bathrooms are user and cleaner friendly (drains in the all tile floor in an all tile room), utility costs are minimal (mostly I think because we are on the 4th floor), and the VIEW! I can't say enough about the view! It is quite certainly, amazing. The view of Banpo Bridge includes a water show, where jets spray out the side in all kinds of different patterns. Entertaining and lovely to watch while sipping a glass of wine. The balcony wraps around the side of the Villa and is large enough for a BBQ, some chairs and a table. It is a favorite hangout for my smoking friends when they visit. In the summer, we can open the windows and the breeze cool us down quickly. The only time we really must have the air conditioner on is in the middle of summer when it is the hottest and at night... I hate sweating at night. There is an elevator for grocery day but the stairs for those days when a little exercise is a must (like right before a weigh in or a PT test!) My car is safely ensconced in the garage below and stays accessible to me regardless of what the weather brings. It is truly a wonderful place to live. I feel spoiled and I am building up the memories here for when I am deployed, living in a tent with no luxuries whatsoever - for I know those days are coming!

Korean ovens. I don't ever have to worry about cooking large meals again. My oven fits a Guinea Hen rather nicely, and well, a large chicken... not so much. I think this should help with keeping my entertaining to a manageable level. Us and another couple should do it.

Online shopping. I am getting good at it. Especially since I went into a Korean lingerie shop and they measured me for a bra. The women there exclaimed many exciting things in Korean while covering their mouths and chortling... and I had to walk out empty handed and with a rather red face. It was also rather disconcerting to find myself in the plus size category as a size 8. I do love the fact that I can wear anything I want. It really is anything goes here in the fashion department. Now if only my husband felt that way...

Seoul is a walking city. I could get along here just fine without a car. On rainy and cold days, and also super hot days, it isn't so much fun -but it can be done fairly easily truth be told. The subways, buses and taxis all coexist to make it a walkers heaven. I am not exactly going for the angel of the year award in this department, but it is something to love nonetheless.

Torrential downpours. Yes, I get to often boat to Yongsan Garrison during parts of the monsoon season. It offers a change of pace and a little excitement as I careen down the sidewalk at a breakneck speed. There is no other, or better, way to do it. Using the paddle to move pedestrians out of the way is an added entertainment. I have thought about adding a 50 cal to my boats accouterments, but it is meeting with some resistance.

Taxis. Taking a taxi is fun. I sit in the back and relax as the driver makes a way where there is none, treats traffic rules and signals as optional and gets me where I want to go in record time. I may practice a little Korean and he a little English as the ride progresses. All is good in the world. Did I mention cheap? But to drive on the roads with a taxi - well, not so much... I mean, the whole traffic rules and lights being optional thing is not so great when you are sharing the road.

My "hoopty." It is a 1994 Kia Sephia. It is ugly and temperamental, however, it was only $500 and gets me back and forth to post, albeit not beautifully. I don't ever have to worry about denting my fender or marring my paint finish when hitting a taxi that just cut me off, or moving the pedestrian that wanders into the middle of the roadway out of my way. I am perfectly happy to park it with inches to spare knowing a ding or two from the car door next to it will only add to its character. Even my grocery cart loves the way it is allowed to lean up against it, resting while bags are thrown willy-nilly into the recesses of the trunk. We have a very relaxed relationship, my hoopty and me.

Itaewon. It is a great place to walk and window, or street, shop. It is a great place to meet friends, have a meal, have a drink, or two or three. There are vendors everywhere that will sell me anything. Haggling on prices is encouraged and done with vigor. I get to do an obstacle course as I wind my way through crowds and vendor carts. And as I make my way between moving cars and veering taxis my heart gets pumping and my joints loosen. There are plenty of places for me to go, play some pool, dance to some groovy music, or otherwise, chill.

The little Korean man that yells and throws things as he walks by me in Itaewon. I know he is saying really important things... if only I could understand him... I am sure I would agree.

Bulgogi Burgers at McDonald's. Yum.

Rotiboy. Another yum and a must do when visiting Itaewon.

Vendor food. 'Nuff said.

Yes, living in Seoul has definitely broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the many blessings I enjoy here. I am going to like being here for a few more years. There is so much more for me to experience and learn to love. I look forward to traveling into other parts of Asia as well. I want to hike Mt Fuji, scuba in Okinawa, walk the Great Wall of China and get to Russia if I can as well. Much to do, much to do...

Oh, and I love running the hills here on post. Really. I know if I say it enough and with enough enthusiasm I will believe it, and you will too.

The Chameleon and the Dragonfly

Anyone who knows me and knows my husband, knows that we have been each other's mainstay for the better part of 11 years now. We have been joined at the hip for all that time and neither one of us saw the need to have much outside of each other. That has now changed. For me at least.

After a year of living apart, of me attending Basic Training, AIT and then living in Seoul at my first duty station for 4 months or so before David joining me - we are now having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the changes in each other. Or the lack of them. It is taking some time to get back the easy communication we experienced before.

I know I am a different person now. I am not the chameleon that I once was - I do not conform myself to my significant other anymore. I have become my own person. Strong willed (I have always been thus - but now even more so because I know more about myself), optimistic (I was incredibly cynical before), at peace inside (I carried around a lot of anger inside for most of my life), and out-going (I had let David make me a homebody and hermit like person over the years.) I like who I am now. It frustrates me that the changes I have made are not all satisfactory to my man.

And while my man believes he has not changed, he has. He has become more controlling over the past year. I think being in charge of the house has given him plenty of time to learn what he likes and doesn't like. He is more adamant about running things the way he wants to. He is less accommodating. And while this is not an earth shattering change, it is still an adjustment. He seems more clingy to me now, but I think that this may be a matter of perception. I now enjoy my alone time and I enjoy the lack of responsibility that comes with only looking after myself and my own happiness. I spend a lot more time "in my own head." This makes this clinging sometimes feel smothering. But it is something we can work on together.

I think this is equivalent to the turmoil that happens to a marriage when the kids move out. The time has come to work hard to embrace the changes in each other and to allow each other to grow - together and apart. We need to be able to stand strong on our own and then we will be all the more strong together. But it is hard. And scary. And it makes me feel guilty - and that is the bad part. I don't want to feel guilty for being me, especially when I like who I am now. For the first time I am content with who I am.

I want to be me and have my best friend too. But I don't want to give up who I am, become that chameleon once again to make life easier - because in the long run, it won't be easier.

The chameleon is gone and the dragonfly has taken its place.

Streams in the Desert

There are so many new cool things to talk about. I am going to do a stream of consciousness writing for this blog because all the things I am thinking encompass different subjects.

I was walking back to the barracks a few weeks ago and all of a sudden I was surrounded by the most amazing smell. Now anyone that has spent any time at the Yongsan Garrison knows that when anyone talks of smells it is usually not in a positive way. Quite frankly, the sewage system leaves a lot to be desired and the reek of it will often attack you in the most inopportune moments - like when you are gasping for breath after a run on MP Hill. Gasping for breath generally entails mouth wide open - totally wicked gross. So back to that most amazing smell - LILACS! In full bloom. All of a sudden I had a flashback to my room in my old house on Hall Street in Portland Maine. I had the best lilac tree right outside my window and when the window was open it filled my room with the scent of its flowers. Nice memories. It made me homesick.

Last Monday I received my newly cut orders with permission to bring my husband to Seoul. A weight lifted off my shoulders as I contemplated two or three years there with my husband. Him by my side and a new fresh start for him is everything we wanted. Did I say my husband has to have surgery before he comes over to live? He does. He needs open heart surgery to replace his aortic valve which is not functioning correctly. It has been the cause of his not being able to really do anything athletic over the past five years. He is looking forward to having his life back. I am looking forward to it as well, although I am terrified of the surgery. Yes I said it out loud. It terrifies me. I will not think of life without him. Will not. But cannot help visiting this in my nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat - cannot wait until it is over and he is well on his way to recovery. Cannot wait until he is with me in Seoul. And we are picking up where we left off before I went into training. I realized last night that we have been apart for almost the whole 9th year of our marriage. It is a wake up call in a different way - one that forces us to never take for granted what we have in each other.

I am home now on emergency leave. David has surgery on Tuesday. I don't like dwelling on it and have my own form of escapism planned. My son, Nate and I are going skydiving tomorrow. We have been planning this for a long time and now is our chance before he leaves for Okinawa and I go back to Seoul. Some might see this as selfish - skydiving right before my husband's surgery, but I see it as a way to face life head on - face all my fears face to face. To break through barriers of limitations. To awaken the courage I have inside - to glorify in the rush of adrenaline. I only wish I had long hair again for the wind to rush through...

More later, I am going to go spend some quality time shopping with my man. And my son. Before outside forces rush in and claim us.

I Am Amazed

Every time I get on this blog and see a comment from a reader thanking me for it, I am amazed.

I have never seen myself as any great writer. In fact, I have often lamented to my daughter and my husband that I wish I had the gift of expression that they do. My husband writes wonderfully, with lots of humor and imaginative material. My daughter writes prose and poetry, the like of which brings me to tears, it is so incredibly moving. When comparing myself to them I seem a piddly writer at best.

I read once somewhere that an author should write about what they know or would love to know about. I am assuming that if you love it than the research will be done more completely and with more joy than trying to learn about something you just cannot stomach. Makes sense. So, I guess writing about my Army training and career set me off on this path of writing about something I have experienced. Enjoyed. And know a little something about. This meets all requirements as far as I can tell.

I am, at heart, an optimistic person. I have not always been but that is what happens when you meet the love of your life, get a life and then decide that life is good, regardless. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely trials - one I am going through right now is the process of trying to get the love of my life over here to Korea. The process itself is not hard but the people processing it are less than... well, less than. It is a depressing process. However, the Soldier's Creed plainly states that "I will never quit" and I won't. I may complain - loudly - but I will not stop trying. This is good I think when serving your country requires great sacrifices from both you and your loved ones.

Today as I was contemplating who I could get angry with, without losing my rank, a pheasant strut by outside my office. A pheasant! Out for a leisurely stroll, relaxed as could be. I thought to myself that since I had joined the Army I had seen wonderful things (like a sunrise - LOL! - anyone who knows me knows how I detest mornings...) and experienced wondrous things (like my body actually doing some pretty intense physical exercise!)... so, would getting angry really accomplish anything in the long run? No. It will just give me an ulcer. And I have enough issues.

May God bless you and show you wondrous things! And may you focus your eyes and see.

Artemis in Seoulland

I saw Alice in Wonderland today. I can totally relate to the disorientation of finding myself in a place where I don't know anyone and where they speak in strange tongues.

It started with the 14 hour flight that seemed just like falling down a rabbit hole. I ate strange foods and found myself becoming someone other than the woman I am used to being. I am a world traveler.

I have been transformed from a civilian wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend into a soldier. There are adventures to pursue, enemies to overcome, people to assist and cases to prepare. It is a busy life. A good life. The only thing that would make it perfect is if I could do this with all my family and friends close by.

I would be ecstatic to have my husband here by my side! Soon please!

And while I can see several of the characters from the movie in my new life here, I have yet to find the Mad Hatter... I see myself as Alice, but what if, the Mad Hatter, is me?

Time Travel Is Oh, So Military

Leaving my husband was difficult, as usual. It is always hard to have my heart ripped from my chest as I walk away, not really knowing when I will see my best friend again and the pieces of my heart returned to their rightful spot. He, on the other hand, informed me that he did not even shed a tear, knowing he would be seeing me again very soon.

Skype helps.

The flight from Atlanta to JFK was a nice appetizer to the main course that consisted of 14 hours in a coach seat on a stuffy airplane as we flew from JFK to Incheon, South Korea. Not bad really. I sat next to a fellow soldier, Korean born, lucky me! He graciously showed me how to eat the Korean food served on the flight. It was awesome! I love to experience new foods. It makes me happy.

I was very happy. Twice.

Once at the Incheon Airport, I went through security and customs quickly. Easy squeezy. I love being in the military. It definitely has its perks. Once finished with the official business, we signed in for the next bus to Yongsan which left at 8am. Oh, did I mention the time difference?

I left Atlanta on Sunday, February 28th at 5:30pm. I arrived in Korea on Tuesday morning at 5am. I completely skipped Monday. Totally. And completely. All those years when I worked in the office wishing I could skip Mondays... all I had to do was join the Armed Forces to do it!

Just another perk being in the military offers - Time Travel! Sweet!

In-processing today was painless and I ended up having from lunch time on to get settled into the hotel, have something to eat, go chase down chargers for electronics... etc... The Dragon Hill Hotel is very comfortable, would meet my husband's 3 C's (clean, comfortable and... I can't for the life of me remember the other "C" - I keep wanting to say "cuiet"), and in no way prepares me for barracks living I am sure!

I have traveled forward in time, video called my husband, caught up on Facebook and updated my blog... overall a very productive day. Now if only I could not scratch the very itchy small pox vaccination spot... to spread that would be very bad... pray for me.

I am off to bed - it has been a long Sunday and Tuesday.